“Even if you were drowning in the middle of the river, you would never ask us to send you money."
My mum and I were in the kitchen, preparing dinner. The aroma of seasoned meats and dried fish wafted through the room, and there I was, standing in a corner, laughing at a joke my mum had just made.
“But it’s true."
She continued, "Other people would say when their money has finished, but not you. You would just keep enduring."
I smiled deprecatingly, wearing this like a badge of honour.
The truth is, my mum was right.
If I was dying of hunger and someone next to me had a million dollars, I would never ask. I put it down to a "good upbringing" and hating to impose on other people's stuff.
Other times, I thought, couldn't they see that I needed help? I mean, if they weren't perceptive enough to notice, I wouldn't tell them myself.
Sigh.
So my not asking wasn't just in my relationships with people; I saw it affect my relationship with God as well.
I would come to God like, "Dear God, today I just want to love on You", when deep down in my heart, I knew that I needed funds or direction on how to go about an issue, or I was feeling down in my emotions.
I would never tell Him the things I needed. Because I thought that made me look materialistic, and I didn’t want to be like Other Girls (Hah).
I would go, "God, I’m not after You for the money. I just want Your heart".
And on the inside, I’m like, "But give me the money already."
I remember a particular time I had this conversation with a friend. I was telling her about an issue, and she said to talk to God about it. I was like, “Nah, He already knows I need it. If He wants to provide it, He will.”
I can't begin to tell you how much this mindset cost me.
Plus, the heartbreak of living with the Elder Son's Syndrome.
You remember the elder son, right? He was the goody-two-shoes who did everything right. He didn’t run off with his share of the inheritance like his younger brother did. He was grounded, level-headed, benign.
But at some point, he couldn’t take it anymore.
He went sulking to his father like, "How can you treat me like this? I’ve done everything right, never once broken your rules, and certainly never brought shame to the good family name. Why have you never given me anything of my own?”
The father replied him as I'm sure God would, "Everything I have is yours, but you never asked!"
For all the younger son's madness, he knew what it was to be a son; he knew he could approach his father at any time to ask for help and expect to receive it.
The elder son, on the other hand, lived in this performance-driven universe. He felt he had to earn his father's approval by doing everything right.
So perhaps if he did well enough, his father would "bless" him with the things which were already his.
[Insert dramatic sigh here].
Our Lord and Heavenly Boo
I'm learning that God is like a protective husband in so many ways. He wants to spend His money, His blessings, and His resources on us, but oftentimes we're acting like, "I'm good, I've got this".
And He's just waiting to be asked so He can shower His blessings on us. Because it is His pride as a Father and a Lover to be able to provide for His children and His bride.
It is His pride that He can be our Jireh, our Provider. But not asking is like pushing Him out of the equation; it's like showing that we don't need Him.
Asking Requires Vulnerability
Perhaps a reason we don't like to ask is that we don't want to get let down. We don't want to be hurt by rejection or the other party's inability to provide.
Asking requires us to be vulnerable to an extent, to show this other person where it hurts. And we trust that they would be willing to help us, and would help us.
God wants us to trust Him. If He just lands everything in our lap without our having to ask, we wouldn't develop that trust. We wouldn't know and believe that when we ask, He provides.
"Until now, you have asked for nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive so that your joy may be complete."
— John 16:24 HCSB
So after the Holy Spirit showed up this part of me, I've begun taking active steps to correct it.
I'm learning to be comfortable with being a damsel in distress and allowing Him take care of me through the people He brings my way.
I'm learning to step back and receive myself because the one who gives sometimes needs to receive.
I'm learning to be "high maintenance". To ask for things I need and not just pretend that I don't need them because I don't want to "disturb the equilibrium".
I'm learning to acknowledge my needs and ask for them without feeling like I'm being materialistic.
And I’m learning to appreciate every help that He brings my way.
So, special service announcement to all my family, friends and acquaintances, watch out for this girl. I just got on the Asking Express!
